Issue #69
Last Update October 31, 2010
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National My Mother the Corporation by Gert Innsry June 30, 2010 The Supreme Court, in its wisdom, has ruled that since Congress established corporations as "persons" in order to facilitate corporate activities within the law, they are entitled to all the rights and privileges of human persons. If you knew my family, you would agree that I was switched at birth, or at least adopted. Mr. and Mrs. Innsry can't possibly be my real parents. We don't even resemble each other. Mr. Innsry (or "Bob", as he is often called) is bald and has to shave frequently; I have a full head of hair and don't shave at all, except for armpits, legs and bikini line, which "Bob" ignores entirely. Mrs. Innsry (or "Sally" as she is known to her few friends) is over 50, stout, and has red hair (this year, anyway); I am 30, slender and dark-haired. My best guess is that I am really the offspring of an illicit liaison between Whole Foods and Verizon, put up for adoption when Whole Foods came to term.
I have never discussed this with my adoptive parents, "Bob" and "Sally", and they have never seen fit to tell me the truth, but the evidence is clear. I visit my birth mother frequently, and feel entirely at home with her. When I leave, I am laden with goodies, although my bank account is much lighter. As for my male parent, I know it is Verizon because I spend so much time on the phone. He clearly forms a connection.
How my birth mother and genetic father met is unknown to me. It was clearly a whirlwind romance, and neither Whole Foods nor Verizon used birth control. Though unfortunate for them, I am happy to be here. Several thoughts have occurred to me, though. Can I sue them for some kind of parental support, say, free vegetables from Whole Foods or call waiting from Verizon? After all, if corporations are people, they must be subject to the same kinds of sanctions and penalties as human people. If they refuse to pay child support, can they be jailed? What would jail be for a corporation, anyhow? Since the essence of jail is loss of control over your own actions, I assume that the closest thing would be a government receivership.
Do I have to worry about genetic diseases from WF or V? Will I develop checkout lines on my abdomen or dropped calls in my reproductive tract as I age? Are my biological parents standing by in case I need a transplant? WF is my best bet for that, since she is mostly organic.
"Bob" and "Sally", I am a grown woman and deserve to know my heritage. I am about to contact WF and V directly. If they are not my parents, please save me embarrassment by telling me which corporations really are. On the other hand, if I am the product of a union between BP and Enron, I don’t want to know.
New York Stringer is published by NYStringer.com. For all communications, contact David Katz, Editor and Publisher, at david@nystringer.com