Issue #69
Last Update October 31, 2010
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National GOPLand Goes Private by Gert Innsry July 31, 2009 Ms. Innsry once again reports from the nation of GOPLand, which she has visited many times. (See (See GOPLand, GOPLand Revisited, GOPLand III, A GOPLander in Iraq, and Turmoil in GOPLand) ) The following is a transcript of her welcome by a GOPLand tourism official.
Welcome back to GOPLand, miss. Since our recent defeat at the hands of the Dems, we have been trying to hold on to our core principles, and have been much inspired by our American counterparts. Their noble refusal to cooperate in any alteration to what must be a perfect health care system has been a source of admiration here in GOPLand, and we have been analyzing the structure of that health care system so that we can apply its lessons to a broader spectrum of social needs. As a visitor to GOPLand, I strongly advise you to join one of our Visitor PMOs and FMOs before leaving the airport. What's that? You're unfamiliar with PMOs and FMOs? I'll explain.
In America, HMOs are the vehicle through which most people receive their health care. These have been spectacularly successful in boosting the US GDP, and providing a vehicle for corporate profits, which, as you know, are practically a tenet of the GOPLand religion. In fact, we have marvelled at the brilliance of a system that funnels such a large proportion of healthcare funding to corporate profits, senior management compensation, advertising and overhead, instead of wastefully using those dollars to pay for doctors, hospitals, therapists and medications.
We have decided to apply these principles to some of the few remaining socialist areas in GOPLand, namely police and fire protection. By joining a Police Maintenance Organization (PMO) and a Fire Maintenance Organization (FMO), you can be assured that you are protected from crime and fire at least as well as Americans are protected from health. It works like this: in the event of a fire, robbery or criminal assault, you are free to utilize any police station or firehouse that is on our approved panel for your policy.
Note that preexisting conditions are not covered. A fire burning in your house prior to joining an FMO will exclude you from having fire engines put out your blaze. You will still be covered, however, for getting kittens down from trees, emergency medical technician service in the event of heart attack, and pumping out a flooded basement. (Please note that before (and after) authorizing fire service at the time of a blaze we will thoroughly investigate for the preexistance of stove or heating system pilot lights, dinner candles, and yahrzeit candles, any of which will void your coverage.)
Similarly with police assistance. In the event of a crime, traffic accident or other need for police services, dial 911. You will be connected with an approved police station. If you choose to use a closer police station not on our panel, you may be charged an out-of-network fee. The terms of your policy will clearly state the services to which you are entitled, and the deductable that applies. For example, the basic policy covers break-ins, muggings and lost children. An optional rider extends coverage to assaults, murders and fraud. Note that in no case do we provide preventive services other than a twice-yearly checkup. If you are being chased by a mugger or street gang, you must wait until an actual assault, robbery or murder occurs before availing yourself of our services. We will then investigate the incident and attempt to bring the perpetrators to justice.
So far our little experiment. has been incredibly successful. Although crime is up and we have lost a great number of buildings due to fire (mostly spreading from unFMO'd properties), corporate profits have risen 32% and our Gross Domestic Product has risen by an incredible 8%, mostly due to the rebuilding required in the wake of fires and the additional purchases necessary to replace stolen articles. In fact, we can proudly say that as small a percentage of PMO and FMO money goes to police and fire protection as HMO money goes to health care. We are proud of our record.
New York Stringer is published by NYStringer.com. For all communications, contact David Katz, Editor and Publisher, at david@nystringer.com