Issue #51
Last Update May 5, 2007
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National Turmoil in GOPLand by Gert Innsry November 28, 2006 Our correspondent filed this report after her latest (fourth) trip to GOPLand. (See GOPLand, GOPLand Revisited, A GOPLander in Iraq, and GOPLand III) Although familiar with its customs from prior visits, she was completely unprepared for the civil war (officially termed insurgency) raging in that country. This is the greeting she received as she passed through GOPLand Customs and Immigration.
Welcome back, madame. I see by your passport that you have visited us several times before. You may find a few changes since you were here last. Due to the unsettled conditions that prevail at the moment, I would caution you to stick to secure areas. This may be a bit difficult, since the Government controls only a few small towns. When you were here last, the Gop Rooj tribe had relegated Dhem Bloo tribal members to a few swampy coastal areas and denied them a voice in government. Since then, the Dhem Bloos have broken out and taken control of a number of former Gop Rooj provinces and claimed many local and national governmental offices; to complicate matters, internal warfare has begun between various Gop Rooj clans; the Xfundies are feuding with the Libert Aryans, the Libert Aryans are feuding with the monarchists; the monarchists are feuding with the Fiskls; and the former King, George Lackvisionthing, is attempting to establish a regency with his son, the present King, George Staycourse, as a figurehead.
I probably shouldn't be saying any of this – it could cost me my job, but you are a frequent visitor and I know you are a sympathetic person, so I feel I should let you know what's what. The Dhem Bloos have been quiet since their initial successes; most of the bloodshed has been between Gop Rooj factions, so areas under Dhem Bloo control may be the safest to travel through. Unfortunately, our King has sent all of our troops to fight in his colonial wars, so they are not available to restore domestic order, even though Parliament is in the process of removing legal restructions on their domestic use. Be careful what you say or do in monarchist-controlled areas, though. The King has the power to declare you an enemy and jail you under harsh conditions indefinitely without trial. One would expect the Libert Aryans to be confronting the monarchists over these new royal powers, but they are so busy protecting their low-tax privileges and defending their right to run their businesses without regulatory interference that they haven't said boo to the King's new powers to ignore Parliamentary law and exclude people from court protections.
In the meantime, the old King, the King's father, has put his retainers in as War Minister and chief advisor in an attempt to dig the King out of the mess he has made of his colonial wars, which are bleeding the Treasury and depleting the army. The King, stubborn and confused, is left to stamp his foot and cry “Heck of a job, Dummy” as his previous War Minister gets the axe. Like the Bourbons, from whom he is descended, the King “learns nothing and forgets nothing”; unlike the Bourbons, he forgets nothing because he hadn't learned anything in the first place. Convinced that his problems are all someone else's fault, and that the people just don't understand that with perseverance reality can be ignored, he travels the world being snubbed and laughed at.
Meanwhile, the Xfundies, a particularly religious clan, have fallen out with the King because he hasn't decreed Sharia law, or its equivalent, to be the law of the land. The Fiskls, a notoriously stingy bunch, are eying the empty Treasury and moaning that the money is gone, even though they handed it to the King in exchange for a rubber check and tax cuts. Fighting has broken out between them and the monarchists over war costs and crony contracts. It doesn't help that the Xfundies have lost their primary leaders, some to sin and/or jail, some to the Dhem Bloo revolt. All in all, it's not a pretty sight.
Well, Miss, I hope you enjoy your stay in GOPLand. Stay away from the borders, keep your emails clean, and above all don't say the words “civil war” and you'll get along fine. I'll stamp your passport now, if you please.
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