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Issue #73 |
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Last Update May 20, 2013 |
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New York Stringer is published by NYStringer.com. For all communications, contact David Katz, Editor and Publisher, at david@nystringer.com |
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Physics Explained by Inger Stryn June 10, 2015 I been reading a lot about physics lately, because that seems to be the scientists' favorite science, being so confusing that even they don't understand it. I decided “how hard could it be”, and settled in to figure it out. I was OK with apples falling on Mr. Newton's head (I always thought they were figs, but what the hell). I was OK with everything being made of atoms, which are tiny pieces of the thing. Everything is made of atoms – oxygen is made of oxygen atoms, irons are made of iron atoms, nickles are made of nickle atoms, butter is made of butter atoms (which they call molecules, for some reason), and so on. But then they said that atoms are made of things too. That's where I got confused. Atoms are made of elections, which float around, and a new class, which is at the middle of where the elections float. The new class is made of proteins and nutritions, which are the same, except there is no charge for a nutrition. That is different from a free election, which they talk about too. If the new class was the size of a house, it would be the size of a hut if is a hydrogen new class, and the size of a mansion (appropriately) if it is a gold new class. The elections are far enough away from the new class that if the new class were a house, the elections would be in the next county. I don't know what's in between – strip malls, maybe? Proteins and nutritions are made of things too – quirks, which are held together with glue guns, which makes sense if you can make glue guns that small. All this is confusing enough, but physicists say that the stuff we can see is only about 5% of everything. The rest is dark matter and dark energy. I figure the dark matter is probably a mixture of ebony, obsidian and licorice, which are undetectable by astronomers. Unless you believe in Darth Vader, I have no idea what dark energy is, unless it is what you get when you turn the lights off. Black holes are another confusing thing. This is where space gets pulled into a single Artie. Once you go in, you can't get out. It seems to be a cosmic Roach Motel. Do we have Cosmic Roaches that require this? And who is Artie? Is he a roach, like archie? Then there is string theory. According to this, everything is explained if the university is made of string cheese. Twanging on the string cheese makes the different quirks and things. I tried it. You can't twang string cheese. But it may explain university food. If you object to any of this as not making any sense, they trot out multiple universities, which we can't see or touch. Hah! If you can't see or touch them football becomes impossible. We know football is possible. Therefore, no multiple no-see, no-touch universities. And how would they grade? On a curve, I suppose. I've decided physics is nonsense, and I am going back to what I can see, hear, touch and smell. The earth is flat and goes around the sun. Things fall because down is down and up is up. The Big Bang happened at Enewetoc, and then again at Hiroshima and Nagasaki. The new class is the rich, and elections are indeed hard to get to, but that's because of people. There are quirks: we all exhibit them. Next week I will explain chemistry. |
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