goplandii

Issue #44

Last Update March 2, 2006

National GOPLand Revisited by Gert Innsry Our correspondant sends us this transcript of the Customs and Immigration greeting she encountered upon entering Gopland, the newest of the Free Market Republics. This was her second annual visit.

Welcome to GOPLand, miss. I see by your passport that you have been here before (GOPLand, August 2002), so I don't have to tell you about getting along in a country entirely devoted to free market principles. Be sure to purchase your health care and police protection policies before you leave the airport.

Are you here for business, or are you on vacation? Business? Well, if you are thinking about investing during your stay, you may be interested in our new Terrorism Futures Exchange. We are rather proud of this, since it combines two of the most important principles on which our nation was founded: privatization of government functions, and the opportunity to make money. The TFE allows us to dispense with expensive intelligence agencies while at the same time providing profit opportunities to our citizens. Foreign investors also help with our balance of payments, although in this, as in our domestic economy, we now believe that deficits are good. After all, if we owe foreigners money, what can they do? And as for domestic deficits, well, that's just money we owe ourselves, isn't it?

But I've gone a little off the topic, haven't I? Our new Terrorism Futures Exchange allows you to buy or sell futures contracts on the commission of terrorist acts. It is a very volatile and liquid market, highly leveraged to provide terrific profit opportunities. We had a few teething problems when the Exchange first opened, but hopefully these are behind us now. Initially our definition of a deliverable when a contract matured was a bit vague. Terrorist groups raising funds by taking a short position satisfied their contracts at delivery time by wiping out two of our smaller cities. After we changed to cash settlement, though, we haven't had any further incidents of this kind.

The system still isn't perfect, though. The informational benefits we had hoped for haven't materialized, due to market manipulation by terrorist groups. Part of our market liquidity seems to be coming from Al Qaeda, which either goes short,. pockets the premiums and then announces its next strike to lock in its profits, or goes long and issues press releases declaring a moratorium on violence. Other groups such as Hamas have lately been taking the other side of Al Qaeda's long trades, so I'm afraid the death toll is still rising.

Still, profits are being made, which is what really counts in a free market system. At least members of the TFE can say that business is literally booming.

Have a good stay in GOPLand and be sure to visit our amusement park featuring the Golden Parachute ride, and the Hall of Financial Culinary Delights, where famous chefs from Enron, Arthur Anderson, and the Council of Economic Advisors demonstrate the cooking of books.