comment43

Issue #44

Last Update March 2, 2006

Commentary December 24, 2005 At each year end, it is customary to review the prior year's events and hope that the coming year will be better. Rather than the recital of doom and gloom that looking back at '05 would evoke, we will look forward to what 2006 may bring us. Predictions about the big stuff (the war in Iraq, the economy, the '06 Congressional elections and other major items) we will leave to the pundits. Since we are more in the nature of punditls, we will stick to predicting the smaller, but no less important, trends and events of the new year. We will comment on five things that will effect our lives:

Weather: we will definitely have some. In fact, the whole world is likely to have weather, but the USA will definitely get its share, especially since the Emperor has lost the mandate of Heaven, which puts the Universe seriously out of balance. Look for blizzards, hurricanes, drought, floods, heat waves and tornadoes. The weather will be beautiful on Yom Kippur, however.

Sports: '06 will see the end of sports scandals, as people lose interest in major league sports completely. Office pools will revolve around the date of Bush's resignation and/or impeachment. Fans of handball, soccer, fencing and bocce will suddenly see a resurgence of these pastimes. Sports reporters, who are required by the rules of their craft to use colorful though trite phrases, but who have an abiding interest in the sound of language, will find themselves in demand as news anchors, replacing the current crop of beautiful but largely illiterate news readers.

Technology: Japan will announce the development of the world's first electronic faittout, a single, pocket-sized gadget that will replace the telephone, television, stereo, computer, GPS direction finder, toothbrush, camera, jewelry cleaner, X-Ray/CAT Scan/MRI, checkbook, flashlight, foreign-language phrasebook and night-vision scope. Unfortunately, no one outside of Japan will be able to use it as anything but a paper weight, since the operating manual, written in Japanese English, will be undecipherable. Attempts to translate the book from English to English using the built-in phrasebook will create the worlds first surreal non-fiction best seller.

Religion: Jesus will make his Second Coming. No one pay any attention except Christian fundamentalists, who will stone him as a blasphemer when he contradicts everything they believe about him. The world will not come to an end, but several new religions will arise out of the Second Sacrifice. Pet Rocks will have a resurgence as religious objects.

Dining: Woody Allan will be proven correct as medical science shows that everything we thought was bad for you is good, and vice versa. Visits by out-of-towners to New York will change the population distribution as the American heartland finally understands that take-out is not the same as ordering in. Millions will rush to establish residence in the city; millions more will demand to be able to order in where they currently live. Congress will pass a law allowing unlimited immigration by Chinese, Italians, Thais and Greeks.

Education: Disputes over Intelligent Design in the classroom will be forgotten, replaced by an urgent need to teach students to understand accented English. With American universities turning out fewer and fewer scientists, mathematicians, engineers and English teachers, their places will be filled by Indians, Pakistanis, Chinese and Brits, all of whom speak better English than their students, but are not able to be understood. English for the Native Born classes will overflow.

We live in interesting times; may these times leave you all happy, healthy and prosperous. But don't bet on it.