Issue #37
February 28, 2005
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Gopland by Gert Innsry Our correspondant sends us this transcript of the Customs and Immigration greeting she encountered upon entering Gopland, the newest of the Free Market Republics.
“Good evening, madam. Welcome to Gopland. In accordance with our national laws, I must ask you to declare any generic medicines, unregistered software or foreign steel that you might have with you. These items will be confiscated, and will be placed in a secure facility awaiting your departure from our country.
Before entering Gopland, I must acquaint you with some of our laws that may be unfamiliar to you. As you may already know, Gopland's recent revision of its constitution has produced a republic that reflects the ultimate in individualism and free-market capitalism. This has resulted in certain changes to our traditional way of life.
Medical care in Gopland is now based on the American model. Except for the very poorest of our citizens, who must undergo a humiliating means test to qualify for government-paid medical care, all citizens who can afford it are covered by private HMOs with ever-decreasing benefits and ever increasing co-payments. Eventually, we hope to be able to provide absolutely no medical care at all at a price that no one can afford. The wealthy, of course, can afford to pay out of pocket for their care, and thus receive superb medical attention with no waiting periods. Prescription coverage is not available, and is in fact forbidden in order to protect the profits of our pharmaceutical industry. Try not to get sick or injured while visiting here; you are not covered for anything.
Although Gopland has a relatively low crime rate, be aware that police protection, as with so many functions that previously were performed by a bloated governmental bureaucracy, has been privatized. In the unlikely event that you are robbed, assaulted, or are otherwise in need of police protection, please contact your primary Justice Care provider for a referral. If you have no Justice Care provider, you may present yourself at one of the many free Justice Clinics, where policemen-in-training, those who are otherwise unqualified to participate in the private Justice system, and policemen doing pro-bono service will serve you when your number is called. Should you care to enrol in a Justice Care plan for the duration of your stay in Gopland, the kiosk on your left will offer you a choice of 33 different plans and companies, at a price to fit any pocketbook. Coverage ranges from basic after-the crime investigation to Major Juridical (including emergency incident intervention and long-term prosecution).
Since we have deregulated food and drug quality, occupational safety and the environment, our economy has boomed. We rely on the magic of the marketplace to ensure that no dangerous products reach our consumers; surely no company will want to put out a product that customers will shun as being harmful. Those few that do slip through will face civil suit on the part of those harmed. Of course, our campaign to end the abuses perpetrated by trial lawyers have outlawed class-action suits, so be prepared, if you feel that you have been injured by a corporation, to challenge it using only your own resources. After all, you could have chosen a different product, assuming the market-place consolidations made so much easier by our dismantling of anti-trust statutes left any product choice.
Violations of our Intellectual Property laws by visitors will be dealt with severely. Any attempt to use a product in any way not envisioned or approved by the manufacturer is a felony. Please refrain, therefore, from playing CDs on your laptop, instead of in the approved, secure cd-players marketed for the purpose; be careful not to mute the sound of TV commercials, record programs for later viewing or employ any device that allows commercial-skipping or channel-surfing. All of these are considered theft under our laws.
Foreigners are encouraged to participate in our financial markets. Copious amounts of financial information regarding each company are available to the potential investor. All financial reports are certified by an auditing firm that is a wholly-owned subsidary of the company issuing the reports, so you may rely on their accuracy. As an investor, you shoud be aware, however, that although personal bankrupcy has been outlawed, corporate bankrupcy (in the spirit of market discipline) is allowed for almost any reason. While rendering your investment or pension fund worthless, such a filing also protects corporate officers and directors from having to return any corporate assets in their possession, however obtained.
Please take one of the free, 2,500 page booklets describing our deregulation regulations and free-market restrictions. Since we are under no obligation to let anyone know if you have been arrested, or even to bring you to trial in a reasonable period of time, you will want to make sure you can safely enjoy the great freedoms that Gopland rejoices in.”
New York Stringer is published by NYStringer.com. For all communications, contact David Katz, Editor and Publisher, at david@nystringer.com
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